Shopping for things that cling

[stephbg]

The next treatment goal on which I plan to spend all my medical spoons is hydrotherapy. I don't expect to be back in the pool doing kilometres of laps any time soon, but I'll see if I can do some stretches in warm water that aren't currently possible on dry land. More on that later, but before I can do that I need some bathers (aka swimmers, cossies, swimming costume, bathing costume), as it's many years since I've owned a pair that fit. Once I've got bathers I can cross the bridge of making appointments at the physio and somehow getting my carcass there on some kind of schedule.

Today I gave myself a modest goal – visit the local Big W to see if they had anything remotely suitable. Short answer: hells no. Only a couple of styles—granted in sizes big enough—but way too high AND low cut for my liking. My requirements are for more than mere fashion, as one of the things that stopped me swimming was nerve pressure in the neck and shoulder caused by my once-trusty-but-in-the-end-treacherous Speedos. Never did find a suitable replacement that was kind to the nerve and which still let me swim properly, and then swimming became impossible and it was all moot.

I still miss it – swimming to me always felt like flying, especially if you were lucky enough to get a quiet pool. Damnit.

Anyway, Big W was a bust, and I at least made a gesture at the sports store by asking if they stocked women's bathers in larger sizes. I was not at all surprised by the negative, and the sales lady had the grace to look mildly embarrassed. In my world these two failures actually count as progress (and were pretty much anticipated), so I wasn't too discombobulated.

I then faced my backup horrible shopping requirement: new bras. Nothing complicated, colourful, sexy, or fancy( *cries*), just comfy t-shirt bras to replace some of the current crop that are rapidly rushing to meet their maker in a cloud of bra molecules. I knew I'd need to go up a size (or two? three?) in one or more dimensions because I'm considerably larger in several dimensions than I was when last fitted, so this meant experimentation would be required.

Oh god.

I recalled from previous research that mainstream retail stores already believed that I was some sort of DEMONIC HELLSPAWN BEAST OF GINORMOUSNESS and that I'd be hard pressed to find anything to fit in the regular shelves. But I had a plan! There were bigger bras in there *somewhere* – perhaps they were all hiding in Maternity Wear! Because that's *just* the sort of thing you want to think about yourself.

On my way to Maternity Wear (trying not to bitterly regret the life choices that had led me astray from the right kind of eating disorders) I encountered the Full Support shelf. There they were! The entire selection of "Fuller Figured" bras, all in one handy, tiny, woefully understocked and pathetically uniform section. Oh gosh, the excitement.

I found a style that seemed the sort of thing I was after, and picked three different sizes and tried them on. One of them sort of fit, but the Hello!Nipples! factor disqualified that particular style. Armed with what I believed my new size to be I dressed and returned to the shelves, and picked amongst the sparse remainders for options at or near that size in another couple of styles. On the way back to the changeroom I apparently passed through some kind of spacetime vortex thingie, because in these not-so-very-different styles my proportions changed *dramatically* and nothing fit remotely, nor even suggested sensible alternatives.

Please note: I am *not* the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six. It's possible with my copper-based blood and general incompatibility with Earth nutrients I'm a little bit Vulcan, but not enough to make fitting me require some act of exotic sorcery. I am though apparently a size and shape somewhere delicately poised between what the shops like to call "Acceptable Human" and "DEMONIC HELLSPAWN BEAST OF GINORMOUSNESS That We Reluctantly Service A Little Bit, Sometimes".

No one style offered enough sizes for me to determine what might fit. On my absolute last ditch effort (Trip #4 to the changeroom) I eventually found something that sort of would have to do please god get me out of there. By this point my hands were cramping and I was getting shaky, so I was not in a great decision-making space. I didn't have my cane with me because that would have just added to the absolute farce of getting bras on and off the shelves and hangers, but I surely needed it by the end.

But guess what? That ONE bra I thought I could possibly bear to get which probably wouldn't kill me? No barcode. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

In the end I got two of them (one having a barcode so at least I'd be able to pay without incurring the wrath of fellow shoppers trapped in purgatory behind me at the till) and in a dizzy haze also grabbed another of the same style but in the next size up because reasons. It's entirely possible that I'll find none of the three are wearable when I try them again with actual spoons to bear on the problem, and less exhausted hysterical laughter causing my proportions to shift even further into the surreal.

While in the correct neck of the woods I grabbed some needed pyjama pants in the least offensive circus clown print I could identify. The next size down had adorable bunny prints, but all I had to choose from were nauseatingly bright stripes and spots. Something from the Big Top for the Big Bottom, amirite Ladies????

Back home somehow (thanks, Catmobile!) and I read all the actual helpful suggestions people had left on Facebook vis a vis buying bathers. Encouraged to look at The Swim Shop's website, I googled, browsed, found something that I thought would do nicely, and accepted the chance I'd need to return it if it didn't fit. Because the very idea of getting myself anywhere at all made me want to cry, I bought bathers online. Only afterwards did I realise that this .com.au site with a Queensland address in the footer was actually UK-based and had nothing to do with the local The Swim Shop. I had bought bathers FROM ENGLAND! Oh the shame. At least they were an Australian design, but eek, what a carbon footprint :-(

Heaven help me but I need* to buy shoes soon too :-(

YES – there are other shops.

NO—I cannot *get* to them! Not enough spoons in the world :-(

I also bought a lettuce.

(*) "Need" as in my best walking shoes have actual holes in them now and look beyond scruffy (but will I be able to replace them exactly? Of course not). At least they match the rest of me.

Comments

[catundra.livejournal.com]

If you are tackling shoes (and I don't know your specific requirements but I am guessing comfort is high on the list) then you really must check out Alegria shoes. I bought a pair in Adelaide (you can find them here, I think at Paul Carrolls but I have bought some online since) and they are amazing. Cushioned, generous fit and width, still some funky/cute looks and all together the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn. Might be worth taking a look...
www.alegriashoeshop.com

[catundra.livejournal.com]

Also when it comes to more generous lingerie and larger bathers my sister in law was singing the praises of A Cup Above in Joondalup so not too far from you. http://www.acupabove.com.au/

[lauredhel.livejournal.com]

If you're up for the trip sometime, Daneechi (30 Rokeby Rd, daneechi.com ) has been my go-to for swimwear.