Pyroluria Progress: The actual referral, and losing control for Science

[stephbg]

On Wednesday I thought I'd managed to get a referral from my GP to do a test for Pyroluria, but it turns out that paperwork was useless.

The standard Clinipath referral form wasn't enough, I needed the SAFE Lab authority/payment form as well, signed by  practitioner Dr N. I'd almost-but-not-quite wasted my time going to the GP Dr D, as I needed a referral from him to see Dr N. But I don't have that referral yet. I do have an appointment for Dr N to discuss test results, but that's not for another five weeks.

Fortunately when I spoke to Dr N's WONDERFUL OMG I LOVE HER receptionist Maureen she was able to organise all the required paperwork for me without a initial consultation, because of my relationship to Family Members A and B. However, one of the forms required a signature and Dr N was due in the office until Tuesday. I thanked her and juggled my calendar a bit, actually a little bit grateful that I wouldn't need to leave the house today after all.

A few hours later I get a call from Maureen who tells me that Dr N had popped in after all and she'd got him to sign the form and would I like to pick it up today? Preferably in the next half hour? Um, yes? I made the minimum concessions towards converting my pajamas to streetware and went to the practice. It's only a few minutes drive from Sector 7 (how randomly lucky is that?) and I'd driven past it a million times. Fortunately it was a quiet time of day and I didn't get hassled doing significantly less than 70 kph trying to find the right driveway on a major road. I do so love trying to read street numbers from behind the wheel.

In other helpful news I can go on the cancellation list for Dr N after two weeks so I might not have to wait the whole five weeks to get my results (as long as I go back to Dr D and get that referral first, argh). I hate the idea of the information sitting out of my reach for that long for no good reason.

So, actual test paperwork now acquired I'm free to visit the lab on Tuesday. I knew I was to drop my mineral supplements for a couple of days prior, but now it seems it would also be helpful if I would let myself get stressed prior to the test. Nothing will give me a positive result if I don't have the condition, but if I don't allow myself to get stressed it's possible that the test results will not be as strong as they might.

Note the phrasing: allow myself to get stressed.

I get easily and embarrassingly stressed, and it tends to have bad (and occasionally catastrophic) effects on my body. Oddly enough, that's pretty much what Pyroluria is about. So I've spent much of my life developing strategies to avoid stressors and their subsequent side effects. I avoid crowds, loud music, flashing lights, extreme sports, and most criminal activity, that sort of thing. But there's a lot in life you can't avoid – paying bills, fixing the F*&^ing computer, finding the right fork, cleaning up cat vomit, losing your entire career, that sort of thing. For the unavoidable niggles in life I've had to develop strategies to protect myself and the world from the bursts of intense rage, hysteria, panic and frustration that frequently attempt to bubble up through my damaged little psyche. Ooh I get cross. Grrrrrr.

Poor Husband is the one who cops it when I just don't have the spoons to dedicate to keeping the Inappropriate And Scary Bad Feeling at bay, and believe me, it takes a *lot* of spoons. Medication has helped enormously, but it's never the whole solution. And when the Bad Feelings are actually entirely appropriate, as for the loss of a grandparent, father, brother, friend, father-in-law, mother-in-law, family problems, financial problems, unrelated physical illness or quite thoroughly related physical illness, well it becomes a balancing act that I sometimes find difficult to manage.

Where was I? Ah, controlling as much stress in my life as possible. This has got to stop for a few days. And that frightens me. Which is actually helpful, because I instantly feel stressed. But because I'm now supposed to let that fear have its head and run, rather than carefully and skilfully managing it, I'm headed for a little panic attack which if left unchecked will do its best to become a fully-fledged panic attack, and I really don't like those. They've never been useful before.

Ha, and here I was worried about what extreme things I'd have to do to make sure I experienced enough stress in the next few days to boost my test scores. All I had to do was open my mind and let it off the leash. My mind is a monster. A sick monster that I hate for its weakness.

Anyway, looks like I'm going to be an appallingly catastrophising drama queen for the next few days. For Science. I may be extra shouty, teary, and ranty, and the caps lock key is likely to get a bit of a workout. Will that be the Real Me? I'd prefer to think the Real Me is the me I choose to be, because frankly the unmodified factory-settings version is no fun at all. I generally leave my explosive bursts of temper for my Twitter account (mainly because my Mum doesn't read that) so that might become an interesting place for the next week or so. Why a week? Well having let myself go I won't be able to just switch it all off. I just hope I can retain my sense of humour for as long as possible – that's one method of stress relief I can't bring myself to abandon willingly.

Speaking of which, perhaps I should cut back on painkillers for the next few days? Pain is a sure way to feel stressed, and vice versa most likely. Oh joy. Perhaps not – enough pain gets through when I'm actively trying my very very best to make it stop.

So I offer to the world an apology in advance – this could be unpleasant. (This is something Husband will recognise, as he gets one at the start of any outing together.) While my internal editor is off wasting her first holiday in years having her very own nervous breakdown I may say (shout/type) Very Bad Things. It won't be pretty. I'm terrified.

Wow, I really do have a behaviour disorder, don't I?

I hate myself already. Um, yay?

Comments

[redbraids.livejournal.com]

I never thought I would say this, but I HOPE you have a stressful few days!!

Sending thoughtful, but stress-inducing, hugs.

[transcendancing.livejournal.com]

I am thinking of you and I hope that the next few days happen as smoothly as possibly... stress and the experiencing of that and it not being too awful and everything... there aren't enough useful words.

*lovelovelove and purrrryness*