![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stephbgHad an off-schedule^ visit to the shrink Dr T today, because Things have been Bad.
These kind of visits are a bit of an ordeal, much more so than the regular ones, because I *definitely* have Tales Of Woe to discuss. This includes actual bad things (death death death I'm sick of death), and/or symptoms of Clinical Depression (it doesn't seem appropriate to hate and resent people for caring about me and thus preventing me from even considering suicide with any seriousness - but it did cross my mind again and that's a major red flag). Then there's the extreme sleep deprivation and the wackiness that's caused. Or it's just independent wackiness, I don't know (audio hallucinations/flashbacks, zero ability to concentrate, horrible horrible pain, extra-weird muscular issues.) Et cetera. I nearly forgot the vomiting thing too, but I suppose that comes under extra-weird muscular issues because it seems to be a throat cramping thing.
The guilt and fear from not being able to work is just a bonus!
So, yeah, time to pop in to the professional. I saw my GP last Thursday mainly for blood tests and scripts. He's not especially helpful beyond that, but he did assure me that it was time to see Dr T. *handball*
Re blood tests did get a few splashes of red ink here and there, but Dr T was not concerned about liver toxicity, which is good. Liver stats are funny things - normal ranges are cited, but doctors don't seem to be terribly concerned until you start hitting multiples of x10 or x100 of maximum. Mere multiples of x4 max was not enough to set of alarm bells. Mind you, ask three different doctors (as I have in the past) and I'm sure you'd get three different reactions to the same liver stats.
I like doctors just as much as I like other people, but by golly do I hate getting job quotes from them.
I think at least one component in all this is a strong resurgance in grief for Dad, and for that I blame NASA. I don't blame them exactly, but our very last 2-way conversation was about the Mars Curiosity Rover and how excited I was that I could follow its progress on Twitter. Well Curiosity is only a few days out from landing and the reports have been coming in thick and fast, but at every course adjustment or instrument test I've been feeling an extra little pang that I couldn't be sharing this with Dad. He was alive when Curiosity took off; he's not here to see it land.
Then too, Dad's memorial plaque was just installed at Karrakatta a week or two ago. I really wanted to go there with Mum for our first look, but I was just way too unwell for the outing, even if someone else drove. Seeing the pictures later really sunk the knife in further. I miss him so. It's weeks now since the tower went down but that affected me deeply too. It's possible that the last of the gear and bits and pieces will be sorted out next week too, so that's another door closing.
The other losses are still simply fresh. I don't feel anything has changed there yet.
Today I figured that it was about time I made my psychiatrist look at my artwork so I threw a pile of pretty rock postcards at him. He responded with a folder of photos of mostly trees, rocks, and water, so we were even. He liked my stuff; I liked his.
End result of the visit was that I've a new drug to try on top of my others. Cymbalta is an antidepressant with some pain control action, like amitriptyline (Endep) (the Blue Pills Of Doom), but with fewer side effects. Most likely in the short term is nausea (oh joy) but that's expected to pass. I recognise the name from fibro forums (fora?) but haven't really paid much attention to others' opinions. I don't tend to trawl for cures, and my reactions to most medication are idiosyncratic at best so there's not a lot of point in collecting anecdotal evidence. Given my sensitivity to generally everything I'm to start on a tiiiiiiiny dose - about 10% of a single capsule. I'm told I'll have to break open a capsule and count grains.
The afternoon did end on a high note: I really didn't want to go home straight away so lovely wonderful patient fabulous Husband took us over the road to Kings Park where I could stretch my legs for a bit of hate exercise, and admire other people in peak hour traffic on the freeway. We caught the gift shop just before it closed and I took a lightning look at the pretty things, blissfully unaware of their no-doubt-terrifying price tags. The place smelled nice. Later down by the sadly suffering boab tree we randomly encountered![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shrydar and rabbit1080 which was very nice indeed (love you guys). We last randomly encountered these two at the art gallery, so we're developing a bit of fancy-meeting-you-here form. Given how infrequently I get to leave the house this is frankly something of a miracle, but one of the nice ones, not like the two-headed calves or talking fish.
Shrink wants to see me again soonish, which conveniently fell on the original 6 month appointment. Many many positive things are scheduled in the meantime - David Attenborough, Popup Art showing, Middle Sister's 50th, trip to Adelaide, niece wedding, trip to Melbourne. Some art sales would be most welcome too. If you ever want to cheer me up, splash out a few dollars (and there are a lot of cheap options) on stephbg.redbubble.com or prettyrockdesigns.deviantart.com.
Alternatively, if you see me, please don't ask me if I've sold anything lately. Saying "No" all the time is getting to be a drag. (Right up there with "Did you get any work done today?"). If I make a sale, trust me, the world will know.
Of course, Depression doesn't actually care what's going on in the real world. I hope I^^ kick this thing soon and get some rest and healing so I can get some work done. It's been a long couple of months.
(^) The schedule is once every 6 months. This couldn't wait another 2 months.
(^^) Insofar as I am able to take personal responsibility for such a thing.
These kind of visits are a bit of an ordeal, much more so than the regular ones, because I *definitely* have Tales Of Woe to discuss. This includes actual bad things (death death death I'm sick of death), and/or symptoms of Clinical Depression (it doesn't seem appropriate to hate and resent people for caring about me and thus preventing me from even considering suicide with any seriousness - but it did cross my mind again and that's a major red flag). Then there's the extreme sleep deprivation and the wackiness that's caused. Or it's just independent wackiness, I don't know (audio hallucinations/flashbacks, zero ability to concentrate, horrible horrible pain, extra-weird muscular issues.) Et cetera. I nearly forgot the vomiting thing too, but I suppose that comes under extra-weird muscular issues because it seems to be a throat cramping thing.
The guilt and fear from not being able to work is just a bonus!
So, yeah, time to pop in to the professional. I saw my GP last Thursday mainly for blood tests and scripts. He's not especially helpful beyond that, but he did assure me that it was time to see Dr T. *handball*
Re blood tests did get a few splashes of red ink here and there, but Dr T was not concerned about liver toxicity, which is good. Liver stats are funny things - normal ranges are cited, but doctors don't seem to be terribly concerned until you start hitting multiples of x10 or x100 of maximum. Mere multiples of x4 max was not enough to set of alarm bells. Mind you, ask three different doctors (as I have in the past) and I'm sure you'd get three different reactions to the same liver stats.
I like doctors just as much as I like other people, but by golly do I hate getting job quotes from them.
I think at least one component in all this is a strong resurgance in grief for Dad, and for that I blame NASA. I don't blame them exactly, but our very last 2-way conversation was about the Mars Curiosity Rover and how excited I was that I could follow its progress on Twitter. Well Curiosity is only a few days out from landing and the reports have been coming in thick and fast, but at every course adjustment or instrument test I've been feeling an extra little pang that I couldn't be sharing this with Dad. He was alive when Curiosity took off; he's not here to see it land.
Then too, Dad's memorial plaque was just installed at Karrakatta a week or two ago. I really wanted to go there with Mum for our first look, but I was just way too unwell for the outing, even if someone else drove. Seeing the pictures later really sunk the knife in further. I miss him so. It's weeks now since the tower went down but that affected me deeply too. It's possible that the last of the gear and bits and pieces will be sorted out next week too, so that's another door closing.
The other losses are still simply fresh. I don't feel anything has changed there yet.
Today I figured that it was about time I made my psychiatrist look at my artwork so I threw a pile of pretty rock postcards at him. He responded with a folder of photos of mostly trees, rocks, and water, so we were even. He liked my stuff; I liked his.
End result of the visit was that I've a new drug to try on top of my others. Cymbalta is an antidepressant with some pain control action, like amitriptyline (Endep) (the Blue Pills Of Doom), but with fewer side effects. Most likely in the short term is nausea (oh joy) but that's expected to pass. I recognise the name from fibro forums (fora?) but haven't really paid much attention to others' opinions. I don't tend to trawl for cures, and my reactions to most medication are idiosyncratic at best so there's not a lot of point in collecting anecdotal evidence. Given my sensitivity to generally everything I'm to start on a tiiiiiiiny dose - about 10% of a single capsule. I'm told I'll have to break open a capsule and count grains.
The afternoon did end on a high note: I really didn't want to go home straight away so lovely wonderful patient fabulous Husband took us over the road to Kings Park where I could stretch my legs for a bit of hate exercise, and admire other people in peak hour traffic on the freeway. We caught the gift shop just before it closed and I took a lightning look at the pretty things, blissfully unaware of their no-doubt-terrifying price tags. The place smelled nice. Later down by the sadly suffering boab tree we randomly encountered
shrydar and rabbit1080 which was very nice indeed (love you guys). We last randomly encountered these two at the art gallery, so we're developing a bit of fancy-meeting-you-here form. Given how infrequently I get to leave the house this is frankly something of a miracle, but one of the nice ones, not like the two-headed calves or talking fish. Shrink wants to see me again soonish, which conveniently fell on the original 6 month appointment. Many many positive things are scheduled in the meantime - David Attenborough, Popup Art showing, Middle Sister's 50th, trip to Adelaide, niece wedding, trip to Melbourne. Some art sales would be most welcome too. If you ever want to cheer me up, splash out a few dollars (and there are a lot of cheap options) on stephbg.redbubble.com or prettyrockdesigns.deviantart.com.
Alternatively, if you see me, please don't ask me if I've sold anything lately. Saying "No" all the time is getting to be a drag. (Right up there with "Did you get any work done today?"). If I make a sale, trust me, the world will know.
Of course, Depression doesn't actually care what's going on in the real world. I hope I^^ kick this thing soon and get some rest and healing so I can get some work done. It's been a long couple of months.
(^) The schedule is once every 6 months. This couldn't wait another 2 months.
(^^) Insofar as I am able to take personal responsibility for such a thing.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-07-30 07:17 pm (UTC)Good luck dealing with everything.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-30 07:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-31 03:32 am (UTC)That is funny about running into C&J twice!
no subject
Date: 2012-08-01 05:31 am (UTC)I now know at least
fivesix people who count FM amongst their ailments; I keep meaning to ask y'all if introductions would be of interest, albeit as much for moral support from near-peers as for any kind of note swapping about treatment options.