6 months review
Mar. 26th, 2012 10:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stephbgToday I went to the shrink for my usual 6 monthly review. I go more often if I feel it will be helpful. Once I didn't go for about 8 years. That was stupid. Although it's been a Rough(tm) six months I never really felt that an extra visit would be to my advantage.
I knocked up a quick list of things that have happened in the last six months that I considered might be most relevant to the standard opening gambit of "How have you been?". It's a particularly useful exercise because that day six months ago the world was looking very bright indeed. The Valdoxen (agomelatine) was working its magic and I felt more rested and pain-free than I had in years. I was doing so many hours at work I broke the budget and was seriously contemplating looking for more work. I was re-engaging with the world and doing things to the house and all was looking up.
The next day I came down with a vertigo virus that knocked me right back down and hung around for about two months. During that period my father-in-law passed away but I was too ill to accompany Husband to Adelaide for the funeral.
My own Dad was admitted to hospital for pain relief and diagnosed with advanced melanoma. After two weeks in hospital he was allowed home where we cared for him for 5 weeks. I helped as best I could. Christmas came and went, with a familiar edge of anxiety to it (BB's birthday was Dec 26 after all). Dad couldn't come to the table but he did manage a single minced prawn.
I pushed my health beyond capacity again and again. I had to.
Husband had a cancer scare of his own, which fortunately resolved positively, in that the results were negative.
We lost Dad. I went through a long period of disbelief. It couldn't be true. The truth sunk in slowly, and though I've experienced periods of anger, my main emotion now is sadness. I miss him so much, and every day it gets worse. One day it will stop getting worse, and then it will get better. Perhaps there are things I can do to lessen the pain, ways of thinking that would speed my recovery, but it seems too soon to try. I'm still processing; as soon as I think I might be wallowing I'll do something about it, but for now let me mourn.
I pushed my health beyond capacity again and again. I had to. Part of that push was using the cane more and more to get around even when I knew it wasn't a good idea. I seriously began to contemplate the necessity of a wheelchair for occasional use.
I tried to prop up my health with a risky B12 shot, and paid a huge penalty in pain equal to the original shingles attack. Right now I'm feeling the depression that was a side effect from the pain relief medication. What soothes inflamed nerves? Medication that suppresses *all* the nerves. Wow, Depression sucks the big one.
On the bright side, that pain has gone, so it's back to regular pain programming from the fibro channel.
Today Dr T agreed that all of this was pretty awful. He wants me to take more Vitamin D. He gave me fresh scripts for my other meds, and encouraged me to stay at the higher end of dosage. And that's it, see you in six months, let's hope life improves. After some 18 years or so as his patient he knows me well enough not to suggest that I should get out and do more exercise. He trusts me, and I appreciate that.
For the record, I did force myself to do a few errands and bits around the house today. It didn't make me feel better, not even some small modicum of pride that I'd managed to at least try. Right now I'm looking at Plumage, my very favourite pretty rock collage poster, and it does nothing for me. All of this is wrong.
I did consume the flesh of a dead animal tonight, and with respect to the veg*ns out there, that felt good. That's something, and I was able to walk a good few hundred metres without my cane today. And tomorrow I make the incredible pilgrimage that a trip to the city has become so I can get Wildilockified in time for Swancon. I hope that goes well.
So, accursed brain, it's not *all* bad is it? C'mon, I've got so much to do! Please let me? Pretty please? ... Brain! Language! Right, back in your box.
I knocked up a quick list of things that have happened in the last six months that I considered might be most relevant to the standard opening gambit of "How have you been?". It's a particularly useful exercise because that day six months ago the world was looking very bright indeed. The Valdoxen (agomelatine) was working its magic and I felt more rested and pain-free than I had in years. I was doing so many hours at work I broke the budget and was seriously contemplating looking for more work. I was re-engaging with the world and doing things to the house and all was looking up.
The next day I came down with a vertigo virus that knocked me right back down and hung around for about two months. During that period my father-in-law passed away but I was too ill to accompany Husband to Adelaide for the funeral.
My own Dad was admitted to hospital for pain relief and diagnosed with advanced melanoma. After two weeks in hospital he was allowed home where we cared for him for 5 weeks. I helped as best I could. Christmas came and went, with a familiar edge of anxiety to it (BB's birthday was Dec 26 after all). Dad couldn't come to the table but he did manage a single minced prawn.
I pushed my health beyond capacity again and again. I had to.
Husband had a cancer scare of his own, which fortunately resolved positively, in that the results were negative.
We lost Dad. I went through a long period of disbelief. It couldn't be true. The truth sunk in slowly, and though I've experienced periods of anger, my main emotion now is sadness. I miss him so much, and every day it gets worse. One day it will stop getting worse, and then it will get better. Perhaps there are things I can do to lessen the pain, ways of thinking that would speed my recovery, but it seems too soon to try. I'm still processing; as soon as I think I might be wallowing I'll do something about it, but for now let me mourn.
I pushed my health beyond capacity again and again. I had to. Part of that push was using the cane more and more to get around even when I knew it wasn't a good idea. I seriously began to contemplate the necessity of a wheelchair for occasional use.
I tried to prop up my health with a risky B12 shot, and paid a huge penalty in pain equal to the original shingles attack. Right now I'm feeling the depression that was a side effect from the pain relief medication. What soothes inflamed nerves? Medication that suppresses *all* the nerves. Wow, Depression sucks the big one.
On the bright side, that pain has gone, so it's back to regular pain programming from the fibro channel.
Today Dr T agreed that all of this was pretty awful. He wants me to take more Vitamin D. He gave me fresh scripts for my other meds, and encouraged me to stay at the higher end of dosage. And that's it, see you in six months, let's hope life improves. After some 18 years or so as his patient he knows me well enough not to suggest that I should get out and do more exercise. He trusts me, and I appreciate that.
For the record, I did force myself to do a few errands and bits around the house today. It didn't make me feel better, not even some small modicum of pride that I'd managed to at least try. Right now I'm looking at Plumage, my very favourite pretty rock collage poster, and it does nothing for me. All of this is wrong.
I did consume the flesh of a dead animal tonight, and with respect to the veg*ns out there, that felt good. That's something, and I was able to walk a good few hundred metres without my cane today. And tomorrow I make the incredible pilgrimage that a trip to the city has become so I can get Wildilockified in time for Swancon. I hope that goes well.
So, accursed brain, it's not *all* bad is it? C'mon, I've got so much to do! Please let me? Pretty please? ... Brain! Language! Right, back in your box.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-26 03:52 pm (UTC)Sorry to hear you're still having a rubbish time :(
no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 01:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 03:14 am (UTC)I am looking forward to seeing you at swancon, I hope that gently, things improve for you.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 04:46 am (UTC)"Remember, thou art awesome"
*sends love, gentle hugs and feel-better-soon-wishes, and looks forward to seeing your new hair at Swancon*
no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 09:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 03:22 pm (UTC)