stephbg | What happened today

Sorry to do another depressing woe-is-me post, but you don't need to read on. This is for my benefit mostly, although as always, I like to share the fun so other similarly-afflicted people know they're not crazy. Well, know that they're not the only ones who are crazy in that particular manner.

Today I was hit with very severe nerve and fibro pain. Last night I was also wondering if I was picking up an infection of some sort, because my wrist joints were very painful and that's unusual. I usually get a break about the width of a rubber band between the forearms and the hand ligature giving me hell. It's a happy sign that I don't have arthritis. But not today.

Pain comes in a lot of flavours. Today it was burning incandescent pain that made me cry out in agony when I tried to move. Not *every* time, that would be just silly, but often enough to disturb the cats, and we mustn't do that. There are certain benefits to this type of pain; I'm pretty sure it earns me a dose of endorphins, which would explain the occasional bouts of hysterical laughter and particularly sharp wit. Sometimes I can see through time and smell justice. It helps me get through the day; my medical options are severely limited.

Today was a little different, in a new and excitingly horrific manner: I was depressed (sad), and also Depressed (a complex tapestry of awful chemical things). What the Depressed part did was take away the endorphins part, leaving me in searing agony with little or no defence against it. Top Night!

So just take drugs, I hear the voices say. Go away voices, I reply, you don't know shit. My pain relief options are summarised thusly:

Paracetamol: My reliable go-to pain reliever of choice, because it's basically my only choice. Must be Herron brand, because that's the only one made without preservatives. Not really useful in extreme cases.

Aspirin/ibuprophin/anti-inflammatories: All off the table, and generally pointless for nerve pain anyway.

Codeine: Useful for short-term relief if I really need to get something done, but has an appalling backlash afterwards of double the pain (probably the preservatives) and rather startling affects on my plumbing. Used codeine a bit too much last week, hence doubling of pain.

Amitriptyline: Does indeed calm the nerve pain, but very difficult to get the dose that gives the best outcome. Doesn't kick in immediately. Too little and it does nothing except make me depressed (see above, removal of endorphins). A bit more and the pain goes slowly but it also makes me sleepy and takes days to shake it off. A bit more and it takes care of the pain, puts me to sleep, and later leaves me with a *really* nasty depression. It also never calls.

Alcohol (limited types): A recent addition to the pharmacopoeia. Does indeed dull the pain a little, and if taken before bedtime has the added bonus of helping me sleep. Has medium-high risk of triggering depression the next day. Haven't yet wandered into anything like hangover territory and don't intend to. Seriously Do Not Want to make this a habit.

Caffeine: Included here as part of the Must Do Things toolbox, with the added excitement that it makes nerve pain oh so much worse. But good as a mood elevator. Again, dosage is the key - small enough dose to pick me up, not so much as to set my nervous system on fire.

So there we have it for Tuesday: I hurt like hell, and felt miserable. Got my poster prints back for Swancon rock art, and all I could see were the muddy colours and flaws. It gave me no joy whatsoever. They suck. I remember being excited and pleased and proud, but in the same way I remember my PIN.