Accursed self doubts
Feb. 22nd, 2012 05:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stephbgThere are times--fortunately in the majority--when I believe that I have a handle on my depression. Today was not one of those times.
For most of today I did very little apart from share interesting stuff on Facebook. You could argue that I do this (sharing) every day, but usually I manage a bit more than that as well. The last couple of days have been similarly flat, mostly, and on days like that where it doesn't feel specifically that fibro or CFS is holding me back I wonder if it's "just" depression. But last night I felt energised after an ACS meeting and time spent with grown ups and so perhaps placed an unfair burden of expectation on today. Perhaps I'd broken through the depression by doing the sorts of things (generally ignorant) people say would work: I got out of the house and participated in a meaningful activity. Bingo! Depression be gone! It's that easy!
Perhaps I just wanted it to be that easy. Who wouldn't? But it's not.
What annoys me most is that I fell into the trap of trivialising depression; being wiped out for a day (or two or three) "just" for depression didn't seem good enough, and I should know better. Depression is a serious and real condition, but in a horrible twist of fate I find that for me (I can't speak for others) when I'm experiencing depression I find I lose confidence in that truth, and revert to the "it must be a failure of willpower" school of thought.
But it gets worse. Throw depression on top of chronic pain. Really nasty chronic pain. The kind that punishes you for getting out of the house and participating in meaningful activity. Today I found myself barely able to move, and struggling to stay awake, let alone think clearly. I hurt just about all over (surely there was *somewhere* that didn't hurt? I'll get back to you on that), but because I thought it was "just" depression I couldn't trust my pain perception, and therefore I must be just being lazy.
I hate that voice that suggests I'm just being lazy. Most of the time it's not a problem, because I'm pretty confident I'm not lazy. I am sick, and I'm often as restless as all hell. But sometimes I start to believe that voice, because that's what depression does. The most vicious of vicious cycles. Part of the reason I'm writing this now is to try and break free of it.
I did have a breakthrough this afternoon. After pushing myself to do small things around the house I discovered that we were about to enter a toilet paper apocalypse - not a single spare roll in the house! We *never* run out of toilet paper. NEVER EVER. It's right up there with drugs and cat food, and breakfast cereal. And toothpaste, and milk... you get the idea. I'm not a run-out-of-stuff kind of person, so a trip to the shops was in order.
By this time I was pretty confident that all the pain I was feeling was indeed quite real, so I took some level 2 painkillers and went to the shops. By the time I'd finished shopping I was *very* confident that the pain was real, and so forgave my earlier self for wanting to lie motionless for a while. It wasn't "just" depression after all. I'd elimiated the possibility that I was just being lazy.
But that's no solution at all. I shouldn't have had to forgive myself for anything in the first place. Even if it was "just" depression and not screaming fibro pain keeping me out of action isn't that good enough? Depression =/= Lazy but sometimes even I forget that. And that feels like a terrible backwards step. I spnt years fighting to really believe that I wasn't "just" being lazy (this applies equally to the fibro and CFS as well) but this is evidence that--at least when I'm depressed--I don't actually believe it after all.
No wonder depression is such a deep and lonely hole.
For most of today I did very little apart from share interesting stuff on Facebook. You could argue that I do this (sharing) every day, but usually I manage a bit more than that as well. The last couple of days have been similarly flat, mostly, and on days like that where it doesn't feel specifically that fibro or CFS is holding me back I wonder if it's "just" depression. But last night I felt energised after an ACS meeting and time spent with grown ups and so perhaps placed an unfair burden of expectation on today. Perhaps I'd broken through the depression by doing the sorts of things (generally ignorant) people say would work: I got out of the house and participated in a meaningful activity. Bingo! Depression be gone! It's that easy!
Perhaps I just wanted it to be that easy. Who wouldn't? But it's not.
What annoys me most is that I fell into the trap of trivialising depression; being wiped out for a day (or two or three) "just" for depression didn't seem good enough, and I should know better. Depression is a serious and real condition, but in a horrible twist of fate I find that for me (I can't speak for others) when I'm experiencing depression I find I lose confidence in that truth, and revert to the "it must be a failure of willpower" school of thought.
But it gets worse. Throw depression on top of chronic pain. Really nasty chronic pain. The kind that punishes you for getting out of the house and participating in meaningful activity. Today I found myself barely able to move, and struggling to stay awake, let alone think clearly. I hurt just about all over (surely there was *somewhere* that didn't hurt? I'll get back to you on that), but because I thought it was "just" depression I couldn't trust my pain perception, and therefore I must be just being lazy.
I hate that voice that suggests I'm just being lazy. Most of the time it's not a problem, because I'm pretty confident I'm not lazy. I am sick, and I'm often as restless as all hell. But sometimes I start to believe that voice, because that's what depression does. The most vicious of vicious cycles. Part of the reason I'm writing this now is to try and break free of it.
I did have a breakthrough this afternoon. After pushing myself to do small things around the house I discovered that we were about to enter a toilet paper apocalypse - not a single spare roll in the house! We *never* run out of toilet paper. NEVER EVER. It's right up there with drugs and cat food, and breakfast cereal. And toothpaste, and milk... you get the idea. I'm not a run-out-of-stuff kind of person, so a trip to the shops was in order.
By this time I was pretty confident that all the pain I was feeling was indeed quite real, so I took some level 2 painkillers and went to the shops. By the time I'd finished shopping I was *very* confident that the pain was real, and so forgave my earlier self for wanting to lie motionless for a while. It wasn't "just" depression after all. I'd elimiated the possibility that I was just being lazy.
But that's no solution at all. I shouldn't have had to forgive myself for anything in the first place. Even if it was "just" depression and not screaming fibro pain keeping me out of action isn't that good enough? Depression =/= Lazy but sometimes even I forget that. And that feels like a terrible backwards step. I spnt years fighting to really believe that I wasn't "just" being lazy (this applies equally to the fibro and CFS as well) but this is evidence that--at least when I'm depressed--I don't actually believe it after all.
No wonder depression is such a deep and lonely hole.
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no subject
Date: 2012-02-22 09:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-22 10:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-22 11:30 am (UTC):(
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Date: 2012-02-22 11:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-22 04:42 pm (UTC)Hugs
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Date: 2012-02-22 10:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-24 04:17 am (UTC)FWIW, have you tried examining what would it mean to you if you were actually just lazy? I personally don't think that there is anything wrong at all with being lazy. I think the world is a better place for having lazy people it.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-24 04:33 am (UTC)I think the world benefits a great deal from people who choose to be still on occasion. It's sometimes a difficult choice, and so by no means fits the definition of laziness.
Resting is not laziness if that is what is necessary, but it is still a conscious choice.
For me being lazy means not even trying to make good decisions, and that is not acceptable.
(Written while ridiculously tired so it might not make sense.)