State of play
May. 24th, 2011 02:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stephbgReporting has been scrappy of late, not to mention unintentionally alarming, so I'll try and describe my current condition a bit more coherently than has been the case. Also, it will be interesting to find out if I can express myself coherently. Thus far it's going relatively well. Note the use of the term 'relatively'.
Medical
When I merrily announced that I was free of shingles, I was wrong. I'm still getting hit with the major symptoms every now and then, and I'm also experiencing post-viral malaise. When I expressed the hope that a nasty illness and some powerful drugs might reboot my system into a healthier version than before, I was wrong. With the caveat that I still haven't finished with the shingles, this kind of flu-like drain on my system is unlikely to do it any good.
Fibro is being well-behaved in most places except my hands, but that has kept me from doing many things. I'm very crackly, but otherwise maintaining my temperature quite well at various sites on my body. How I wish legwarmers were easier to acquire.
Psychological
Stir crazy. Cabin fever. Hermit hives. I really need to get out. I really need human contact. What I *really* need is a sense of achievement, of purpose. Being unable to write for either work or pleasure has been a torture. The fibro and illness have made a mockery of any attempt at art or craft, and I'm a long long way from being useful at the stables. Can only manage minimum survival housekeeping. Have not contributed to the world outside my household in any way shape or form for a very long time. Yes, I get a (very) small thrill when I manage to do a load of laundry, or keep the house supplied in loo paper, but that's not enough to balance the karmic books. I'm a 100% consumer. So I've been upset, frustrated, wibbly, guilty, and sick of my own depressing company.
However, I now realise that a lot of that was me thinking that I was healthier than I was. Doing several 2km walks without even limping will do that to me. I have since discovered a large patch of numb flesh in my hip which may have led to undeserved feelings of painlessness in affected areas. Now I've decided to give myself permission to be sick again (i.e. stop fighting) I'm feeling psychologically much better. Not any more productive (although this post is a cracker compared to recent writing efforts), but a bit kinder to myself.
It *finally* occured to me that my friends and family do not care about my current zero productivity levels. Everyone else has a better memory than I for my previous achievements, and they still think of me as the same person who did those things. I'm probably the only person constantly asking the question "But what have you done lately?"
The bank is probably asking the same question, but they are hardly my friends.
So this is progress of a sort, and while I hope to stop fighting for a while I have no concern that I'm about to stop trying to do things. Note to self: Not Lazy.
Psychiatric
Nothing to see here at the moment. I don't think that any of my thoughts or feelings (see above) have been inappropriate. Despite *major* feelings of uselessness, I have had not a trace of suicidal thoughts to go with them.
Feline
I am rarely alone. During the day I'll often have all three on the bed with me, and if I'm on the couch it's a minimum of 1 with a high probability of 2.
Pumpkin is fluffy. He's a bit wheezy but not dramatically so, although I'd be happier if his eyes were a bit less crusty at the end of every day. Have to check constantly for knots in his fur, but am now more likely to cut them out rather than comb them. He has plenty of spare fur, and cutting is painless for him.
Cally is doing well on her arthritis medication. Perhaps a bit too well, for she has an enormous appetite and I've had to start trying to restrict her access to food. She's very friendly with me, but hissing more at the other cats.
Princess is currently at one 5mg cortisone pill every 3 days, and I'm about to step her down again. At this dose she has not resumed her scratching, twitching and generally anxious behaviour, and the bald patch is growing back in. My Princess-specific pill delivery system is developing nicely, but she can tie knots in cherry stems with her tongue so that's a challenge to work with. I've tried to keep away from her ears, but she'll be needing a rinse soon. I must remember to warm the equipment first!
Social
We have tickets to see John Robertson's show Dragon Punch at the Astor this Wednesday. That's a non-negotiable outing so I'll be there come hell or high water.
Still need to figure out how to spend time with people, taking into account my limited and variable mobility. Planning for the completely unpredictable is the biggest issue, plus a morbid fear of phoning people at bad times.
Medical
When I merrily announced that I was free of shingles, I was wrong. I'm still getting hit with the major symptoms every now and then, and I'm also experiencing post-viral malaise. When I expressed the hope that a nasty illness and some powerful drugs might reboot my system into a healthier version than before, I was wrong. With the caveat that I still haven't finished with the shingles, this kind of flu-like drain on my system is unlikely to do it any good.
Fibro is being well-behaved in most places except my hands, but that has kept me from doing many things. I'm very crackly, but otherwise maintaining my temperature quite well at various sites on my body. How I wish legwarmers were easier to acquire.
Psychological
Stir crazy. Cabin fever. Hermit hives. I really need to get out. I really need human contact. What I *really* need is a sense of achievement, of purpose. Being unable to write for either work or pleasure has been a torture. The fibro and illness have made a mockery of any attempt at art or craft, and I'm a long long way from being useful at the stables. Can only manage minimum survival housekeeping. Have not contributed to the world outside my household in any way shape or form for a very long time. Yes, I get a (very) small thrill when I manage to do a load of laundry, or keep the house supplied in loo paper, but that's not enough to balance the karmic books. I'm a 100% consumer. So I've been upset, frustrated, wibbly, guilty, and sick of my own depressing company.
However, I now realise that a lot of that was me thinking that I was healthier than I was. Doing several 2km walks without even limping will do that to me. I have since discovered a large patch of numb flesh in my hip which may have led to undeserved feelings of painlessness in affected areas. Now I've decided to give myself permission to be sick again (i.e. stop fighting) I'm feeling psychologically much better. Not any more productive (although this post is a cracker compared to recent writing efforts), but a bit kinder to myself.
It *finally* occured to me that my friends and family do not care about my current zero productivity levels. Everyone else has a better memory than I for my previous achievements, and they still think of me as the same person who did those things. I'm probably the only person constantly asking the question "But what have you done lately?"
The bank is probably asking the same question, but they are hardly my friends.
So this is progress of a sort, and while I hope to stop fighting for a while I have no concern that I'm about to stop trying to do things. Note to self: Not Lazy.
Psychiatric
Nothing to see here at the moment. I don't think that any of my thoughts or feelings (see above) have been inappropriate. Despite *major* feelings of uselessness, I have had not a trace of suicidal thoughts to go with them.
Feline
I am rarely alone. During the day I'll often have all three on the bed with me, and if I'm on the couch it's a minimum of 1 with a high probability of 2.
Pumpkin is fluffy. He's a bit wheezy but not dramatically so, although I'd be happier if his eyes were a bit less crusty at the end of every day. Have to check constantly for knots in his fur, but am now more likely to cut them out rather than comb them. He has plenty of spare fur, and cutting is painless for him.
Cally is doing well on her arthritis medication. Perhaps a bit too well, for she has an enormous appetite and I've had to start trying to restrict her access to food. She's very friendly with me, but hissing more at the other cats.
Princess is currently at one 5mg cortisone pill every 3 days, and I'm about to step her down again. At this dose she has not resumed her scratching, twitching and generally anxious behaviour, and the bald patch is growing back in. My Princess-specific pill delivery system is developing nicely, but she can tie knots in cherry stems with her tongue so that's a challenge to work with. I've tried to keep away from her ears, but she'll be needing a rinse soon. I must remember to warm the equipment first!
Social
We have tickets to see John Robertson's show Dragon Punch at the Astor this Wednesday. That's a non-negotiable outing so I'll be there come hell or high water.
Still need to figure out how to spend time with people, taking into account my limited and variable mobility. Planning for the completely unpredictable is the biggest issue, plus a morbid fear of phoning people at bad times.
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-24 08:33 am (UTC)callisto at g mail dot com
You're quite correct too, in that *we* don't mind if you don't lift a finger ever again - as long as you are happy. I feel for you, because you are so obviously not, and you have my sympathy because OMG this all must suck like OMG nothing I can imagine. But if are able to accept it, read fanfic all day, and it makes you happy, then I'm 100% behind it. I (on a personal level) would rather you put your spoon into something that makes you smile, that makes you contented; that makes you think, even if you don't have the spoon to discuss or tell us.
I'll celebrate that single load of washing, or the managing to leave the house with you. I'm going a bit stircrazy this week too. However I have Jack with me, and I won't inflict him on you at the moment. He's a bit... rambunction right now.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-24 04:14 pm (UTC)I wish you (and so many others) didn't live so damn far away!
Re legwarmers thanks, I'll measure up my relevant bits and DM you with technical info.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-24 02:17 pm (UTC)I can't imagine how stir crazy you must feel, but I learn from your posts. Your teaching people how one manages something like you have is a useful thing indeed!
Sending hugs!
no subject
Date: 2011-05-24 04:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-24 06:23 pm (UTC)I will come see you once I'm through exams. I'm sorry I live so far away and hate to see you struggling so much with feelings of uselessness and so on.
You're right in that we your friends love you, and being productive isn't part of that - just being you is part of that, even if your 'you-ness' is getting a bit of an onslaught from medical and pain stuff.
*snuggles*
no subject
Date: 2011-05-25 01:35 am (UTC)Send me a personal message if you would like that, tomorrow or friday is good.