I came for the blood but I stayed for the satay sticks

[stephbg]

I've just asked my local friendly butcher if he could supply me with 600ml of pig's blood.



I think "Why?" would be a reasonable response around now, closely followed by "What do you need it for?" with maybe a dash of "Eh?" to follow.

The Why is actually more important than the What for, and it's taken me a while to come up with a suitable answer, and to try it out in practice.

I've read and watched a reasonable number of vampire and werewolf stories (plus the odd smattering of occult) where it's been necessary to acquire quantities of animal blood, in preference to human blood. If it's shown at all, the characters usually get theirs directly from a slaughterhouse. I don't have a handy slaughterhouse near Sector 7, but I do have a friendly organic butcher with local lines of supply.

It seemed to me that asking for a specific amount would be easier than asking for "Blood, any kind, as much as you've got, as fresh as you can get it. Soon. Tonight. Before midnight. I'll meet you in the lane out the back. Come alone."

Could I get hold of enough blood for at least a single vamp snack? Let's call it a pint. Pig seems preferred so we'll go for that, and fresh would probably smell less gross than aged blood. There's my opener: "Can you supply 600ml of reasonably fresh pig's blood?"

So what do I need it for? What's my motivation here? Do I plan to make blood sausages? Do I host a supernatural creature in my household who's giving up all pretence and will no longer eat cat food? Am I a vampire? What about Husband - has anyone actually seen him in daylight? Do I have plans of an occult nature? Am I an artist? Am I the kind of artist who's working their way up the food chain and needs to start understanding the best way to eliminate non-trivial blood splatter? (Note to self, buy bleach, and watch more Dexter).

None of these are in fact true, except perhaps a little bit of one. I don't have any particular use for blood, but I was curious to find out if I could acquire it if I needed to. That's why I wanted to ask, but I still needed to have a response--if not an answer--ready for when I'd be inevitably asked what it was for.

First instinct: Bold faced lie. The most harmless lie of the set was that I needed it to make blood sausages or pudding (oh those poor tom cats). Only problem is, I can't lie like that. It's a pretty simple lie, and doesn't involve other people, but it's pure fiction and I can't back it up. I'd've had to buy sausage casings from them as well, and later tell them how it went, because these guys remember everything. More lies! I liked "My niece needs it for a school science project" but that still felt too elaborate.

Second instinct: Make a joke of it. "That's right! I *am* a vampire! And a satanist! Who's a serial killer! Hahahahahaha. Now hand over the blood." Anyone *actually* attempting to acquire blood for nefarious/occult/generally unpleasant supernatural purposes would hardly admit it publicly, so I'm safe. A joke is the kind of lie that works best for me, but that one's a little creepy and I'd quite like my butcher to feel he can look me in the eye afterwards. Enough people think I'm a little unusual without laying it on that thick and possibly attracting the attention of--not to mention wasting the time of--the authorities. I wonder how many police tips come in from butchers who've been quizzed about their tools, methods, and disposal techniques.

Next strategy: Think of slightly more harmless lies. "I'm on a scavenger hunt" felt much more comfortable, because I was indeed fairly arbitrarily looking for obscure objects, but that usually involves more than one person. What team was I on? Who was running it? What were the prizes? I could say I was doing it "for charity". Much strange behaviour has been excused in the name of charity. Which charity was involved? Did they need sponsorship or prizes? We were back to elaborate lies. Lies less likely to get my medication adjusted, but unmaintainable lies nonetheless.

What about the truth? I don't actually *want* the blood itself; I just want to see if I can acquire it. And why do I want to find that out? A dare? A challenge? Possibly. But the answer that seems closest is that I'm curious about the logistics of fiction, that's all. Or it's art.

So what happened this afternoon when I sucked up the courage to find out what would happen if I asked my butcher for a pint of pig's blood? Well, they were surprised. Surprise. Eyebrows were raised and there was indeed the expected vampire banter tossed about. I chose to go in acknowledging that it was an unusual request, rather than aiming for cool confidence. I think they might have found confidence under such circumstances more disturbing all around, even if it would have helped me personally through the experience. I could have coolly refused to answer their questions and hit them with my own raised eyebrow and enigmatic smile. And never spoken to them again. In lieu of potential self-banishment I went with yes-I'm-asking-for-something-a-little-odd-but-we're-still-all-friends-here approach.

I'm not sure I delivered a very coherent response to their inevitable queries regarding my motivation, but I think the words "It's nothing illegal or immoral" found their way into the mix. That's me panicking slightly under pressure. Art was mentioned. But they're a hardy lot and said they'd make enquiries the next time they were on the phone to their suppliers, so that will be my answer. I made sure they weren't going to any trouble on my behalf and left it at that.

And now this post has helped me to figure out what it's all about, I'll be able to explain to the butcher that I'm just curious.





Or possibly barking mad. What do you think?

Comments

[baby-elvis.livejournal.com]

I have often wondered the same, so thanks for taking one for the team.

[maharetr.livejournal.com]

I heart you so much for this. Report all findings! :D

[bunny-m.livejournal.com]

^^^This!

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

I could say I'm going to use it to make toys for the big cats at the zoo, but that's disappointingly sane.

[ariaflame.livejournal.com]

Now if you professionally wrote fiction you could always come up with 'Research!'

I must admit to being curious about how easy it is. Whether the hypothetical supernatural creature likes pig blood is another question.

[liadebeaumont.livejournal.com]

lol!!!!!!

[alias_sqbr]

That's awesome. I admire your determination in the name of curiosity, and look forward to hearing the results :)

[leecetheartist.livejournal.com]

"I'm just wondering, logistically, how easy it would be for a vampire to obtain alternatives if he decided to go on the wagon."

I might try it on my butcher.

*rofl*

[ozdragonlady.livejournal.com]

*envisages sudden rash of disturbed butchers across Perth*

*envisages sudden rumours of "vampires are Real!" *

Re: *rofl*

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

It did occur to me to spread the word flash mob style to see if anyone in the media would notice :-)

[gemfyre.livejournal.com]

I would think blood would be easier to obtain from an organic butcher who does their own slaughtering/butchering. The butcher I worked at specialised in stuff prepared to just bung in the oven and make a meal of. The meat we recieved was already cleaned and gutted so there was no blood or offal or anything interesting like that.

I'd tell them I was doing a re-enaction of Carrie. Of course, in Carrie they acquired the blood in a much more violent fashion.

[fred-mouse.livejournal.com]

"just trying to improve the quality of my compost"

or

"my venus fly traps need a change of diet"