My black dog

[stephbg]

So, I have clinical depression. Quite severe depression as it turns out, but I've always struggled with the idea because my black dog is not the hulking heavy beast of nightmare: weighing my steps and casting its shadow over my soul. My black dog is a frisky labrador puppy with a vigorously waving tail, who manages to trip me up and make me fall flat on my face. Over and over until I can't get up. It then licks me on the face until I giggle, but I still can't get up.


My mental illness is a very physical thing. Clearly it's a mental illness too, or I would have been able to concentrate, remember and problem solve. I'm reminded of how often my shrink tells me I'm "interesting".

My mental illness is not my only illness, so that complicates matters. I have come to trust my own assessments of what's going on at different times, and mostly I think I've got it right. But the critical question "Are you fit for work?" is one I'm starting to doubt. The answer lies somewhere in the transition between physical illness (which may or may not be caused by depression) and pure mental illness, which should respond to treatment.

Gah, I gabble pointlessly, apart from a desire to capture my black puppy words. Also, waiting for the sleeping pill to kick in.

Comments

[cricketk.livejournal.com]

Your black dog imagery is riduculously cute.

Mine's more of the sort that sits on your feet when you stop moving. And then your feet are all warm and cosy and it's much nicer to stay still than to do anything. For months.

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

That does sound very seductive.

[delicious-irony.livejournal.com]

I agree, that is very seductive. And I have something very similar.

My dog is big and fluffy with a long plush tail that wraps me up in warm coziness. It's then far too much effort to do anything else but snuggle, also for months.

:/

[callistra.livejournal.com]

I'm giving you hugs and stares too, because that's all I am capable of today.
:-(
*hugs*

[transcendancing.livejournal.com]

I love your Black Dog image - cricketk is right, it is ridiculously cute.

*loves*

I'm here for you.

[kremmen.livejournal.com]

That's got to be the most humourous description of depression that I've ever read.

I'm not sure I understand how someone with such a gift for entertaining writing can have such a problem with depression. When you brighten the world around you, it should reflect back and brighten you as well.

[stephen-dedman.livejournal.com]

Depression and entertaining writing aren't necessarily enemies. Spike Milligan suffered from crippling bouts of depression, as did many others.

[kremmen.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know. I just don't think it should be that way. ... but the world is frequently not as it should be.

[http://users.livejournal.com/doctor_k_/]

Hoorah for diagnosis and recognition! Good first steps towards change.

Depression in intelligent people often gets hidden by frantic busy-ness and keeping occupied and distracted - nervous energy rather than inertia. Doesn't mean it ain't real though.