The Goth Critical Fumble table

[stephbg]

I've always had a deep affection for RPG Critical Fumble Tables - the actions you roll dice for when you've done something Really Stupid and it's just a question of finding out what exactly you've done. And who in your immediate vicinity is likely to survive the consequences.

Perhaps you have:

• Sliced off your own foot


• Accidentally beheaded a companion


• Unintentionally pissed off a powerful and irritable priesthood


• Cleverly crushed the Sacred Royal Cockroach


• Shagged the (formerly) virgin princess then boasted about it whilst getting drunk at the local (The Queen's Legs, naturally)


• Challenged the immortal avatar of a war god to single combat to the death


• Deeply offended a tattoo artist who has big burly mates willing to hold you down for a while.
  

i.e. Actions of a generally unhealthy nature to your average character.


I started the Goth Critical Fumble Table over at anthanum's post about an RPG Goth hero class.

I've shifted it here so it'll be easier to maintain (curse you lj comment system). Additions invited - they must be unlikely goth/emo actions, but not so unlikely that they're somehow cool and therefore not fumbles. I have not googled to see if anyone else has done it already. That would spoil my fun and crush my creativity. Go right ahead if that floats your boat *tough exterior betrayed by trembling lip*.

The Goth Critical Fumble Table

01 = Smiles
02 = Wears white
03 = Runs
04 = Wakes up in the morning
05 = Doesn't buy new clothes for more than 10 days in a row
06 = Listens to commercial radio
07 = Attends salsa class
08 = Eats salad
09 = Wears thongs (the kind that go on your feet)
10 = States aloud that vampires are icky
11 = Attends tanning salon
12 = Works at Toys 'R Us
13 = Joins surf life saving club
14 = Becomes a horse-racing caller
15 = Teaches high school phys ed
16 = Becomes The Puce Wiggle
17 = Competes in Miss Universe
18 = Wears beige
19 = Is seen out with parents (dra_aken)
20 = Admits to having parents
21 = Shouts "WooHoo!"
22 = Caught in possession of, or listening to "pre-goth" music. (Exception: the goth in question is over the age of 30, a fossil-goth, and therefore this is permitted as retro-cool) (anthanum)
23 = Attends motivational seminar (and takes notes)
24 = Delivers motivational seminar (and signs books)
25 = Becomes a boxing promoter
26 = Attends sporting event. Of any kind.
27 = Visits sick kiddies in hospital as a Clown Doctor
28 = Takes up the banjo.
29 = Sings "Funky Town" at karaoke.
30 = Wears flashing Santa earrings. (That's flashing as in light)
31 = Mows the lawn
32 = Competes in illegal street drag races
33 = Walks through a metal detector
34 = Applies makeup as per instructions in Dolly magazine
35 = Wears no makeup
36 = Joins a Con Tiki Holiday bus tour of Tahiti
37 = Drinks cocktails with little umbrellas in them
38 = Enters wet t-shirt competition
39 = Crosses the threshold of Bunnings (for innocent purposes) (modified as per disturbing information provided by strangedave)
40 = Cuts hair "sensibly"
41 = Enters the "Raw Comedy" competition with 5 minutes of acrobatic slapstick (inspired by arcadiagt5)
42 = Joins army reserves (huckle)
43 = Enjoys the film Top Gun (huckle)
44 = Hosts daytime variety TV cooking segment
45 = Demonstrates exercise equipment on late-night infomercial
46 = Takes out a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens magazine
47 = Becomes an accountant (rdmasters)
48 = Queues for days to obtain front row tickets to the Spice Girls Reunion concert (inspired by rdmasters)
49 = Attends mainstream place of worship (for intended purpose) (rdmasters)
50 = Places "Achey Breaky Heart" and "Pub With No Beer" on iPod high rotation (inspired by rdmasters)
51 = Purchases a Mr Whippy franchise (inspired by fred_mouse)
52 = Becomes romantically involved with Snoop Dogg (and can spell his name) (inspired by fred_mouse)
53 = Becomes romantically involved with Fifi Box (inspired by fred_mouse)
54 = Joins FM station "Wacky Breakfast Zoo Crew"
55 = Runs for local council
56 = Becomes Side Show Alley spruiker
57 = Steps on spider
58 = Does The Twist (by the pool)
59 = Goes to crowded airport to welcome home victorious football team.
60 = Acquires a large mortgage
61 = Has no opinion on the subject of Death
62 = Enters hot-dog eating competition
63 = Makes an attempt on the world record for pogo-stick endurance
64 = Removes nail polish
65 = Becomes bicycle courier
66 = Participates in AM radio talkback

Comments

[arcadiagt5.livejournal.com]

Laughs?
Tells jokes?
Copies of 19/20 for siblings?

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

Goths laugh and tell jokes all the time. The laughter tends to be hollow and the humour tends to be dark so I've refined the spec a bit. See #41

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

Forgot to add credit, sorry. Fixed #41.

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

Apparently, I'm told, there is a particular alarming point at which you get so into BDSM that Bunnings becomes where you go to shop for sex toys. That and saddlery places. And being unfeasibly into BDSM is, of course, very Goth indeed.

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

*snort*

I was thinking more Better Homes and Gardens

I shall edit appropriately :-)

[huckle.livejournal.com]

Joins army reserves.

Enjoys the film 'Top Gun'.

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

Excellent :-)

[rdmasters.livejournal.com]

Hmm....

Admits to accountancy (the eventual demise of PPIB)
Is seen in queue outside ticket sales for (J.Random boy/girl group) concert.
Is seen attending a mainstream place of worship, intent upon same.


And a question: What about 'both kinds of music'*? It's got high gloom factor, but has serious uncool associations.


* Country _and_ Western

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

Thanks for playing!

Your suggestions added, with some editorial tinkering. Being *seen* is not necessary. The World Will Know.

[fred-mouse.livejournal.com]

is having a 9-5 job out? (with the possible exception of computer geek related jobs).
seen at beach, in sunlight? (mind you, I've seen such goths. They were completely dressed, including boots, and huddling in the tiny patch of shade).
dates a rapper? or similar inappropriate group?

[stephbg.livejournal.com]

I thought I covered beach and sunlight (with added running and swimming)with "Joins surf life saving club".

Some dating and employment options added as per your suggestions. Oh, the pictures in my head!

[fred-mouse.livejournal.com]

ah, surf life saving was somewhat more extreme than I was thinking. But yes. And the goth serving Mr Whippy is certainly quite an image.