Horse porn: 12 flavours of wrong
Jul. 29th, 2007 05:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stephbgI like horses. Nothing wrong with that. Perfectly natural. I've owned many a horse calendar, some more attractive than others, and I thought nothing of what I might be getting into when I hung "Horse Lovers 2007" in my kitchen at the beginning of this year. After all, the thumbnails for each month were on the back and were a cut above the average. Pretty horses. Good.
I've always jokingly referred to this as "horse porn" as I look but rarely get the chance to touch.
I've never given much thought to the acompanying text in these calendars, but month after month a certain uneasiness began to grow and I started to pay closer attention. Would you do me the favour of reading the following and letting me know if you think it's all perfectly innocent or just Very Very Wrong? No knowledge of horses required. Familiarity with various forms of subtle erotica probably useful.
If you're in a hurry, skip to June and August. And December.
Horse Lovers 2007 Calendar
Text reproduced sans permission, they're welcome to their rights. Keep them.
January: I long to touch a horse's fatty chin. It feels like a ball of dough, speckled with bristles of whiskers.
February: It is sheer delight to whisper in a horse's ear... to gently grasp the velvet covered cardboard cartilage and to have my nose tickled by downy fur while I tell him my secrets.
March: Experiencing the gaze of a horse is like feeling love, friendship, sincerity, strength and whimsy all rolled into one objet d'art.
April: A horse's mane is a window into his personality: loose, he becomes the athlete; braided he becomes the performer; shaved he becomes the obedient; and adorned with hay, he becomes the clown.
May: I admire the neck of every horse... the long sleek neck of a Thoroughbred, the compact power of a Morgan, the gigantic block of an Irish Hunter, and the perfect proportions of a Welsh Pony.
June: An instinct for a horse owner is to feel his chest. While this is a function of checking his temperature to determine if he is, for example, cool enough to go back to his stall or in need of water, I catch myself checking his chest for any reason because each of the lobes fit so well in my hand.
Short version: "Copping a feel"
July: I love saddle bloat. To know that my horse will suck in air while I am tacking up makes me smile because I look forward to the game of determining precisely the right moment to tighten the girth.
August: Could there be anything more fun than picking a horse's hooves? Gently gliding my hand down his leg and having him lightly place his hoof in my hand is a routine to cherish. By raising the next hoof without signal he anticipates the task and shows his loving cooperation. I happily sense his lips gumming my back as I bend over to clean his frog.
nb: the frog is the V-shaped structure inside a hoof.
September: If only I could get my arms around a horse's ample belly, how delicious this would be! This is the embrace I seek always.
October: I adore the sculpture of a horse's rear end and watching the sheen of his muscles as he moves. This observation applies equally to all the horse's movements, from the relaxed and lumbering walk, to an extended trot, to the rhythmic cantor (sic), to the jumping of a fence, and naturally the naughty buck.
Well we all enjoy a naughty buck now and then.
November: Every horse has the legs of a model. They are long, slender, and shapely, and the horse has the advantage of having four!
December: My passion after giving a sudsy bath to a horse is to spend hours untangling his tail with a wide-mouthed comb. He lifts his tail in pleasure the same way a dog wiggles his foot, and to see the shiny, smooth tail flow as he moves... utter ambrosia! A horse's soft blowy kiss on my neck sends a light tingle from hy head to my toes. I cannot get enough.
Guilty or not guilty?
I've always jokingly referred to this as "horse porn" as I look but rarely get the chance to touch.
I've never given much thought to the acompanying text in these calendars, but month after month a certain uneasiness began to grow and I started to pay closer attention. Would you do me the favour of reading the following and letting me know if you think it's all perfectly innocent or just Very Very Wrong? No knowledge of horses required. Familiarity with various forms of subtle erotica probably useful.
If you're in a hurry, skip to June and August. And December.
Horse Lovers 2007 Calendar
Text reproduced sans permission, they're welcome to their rights. Keep them.
January: I long to touch a horse's fatty chin. It feels like a ball of dough, speckled with bristles of whiskers.
February: It is sheer delight to whisper in a horse's ear... to gently grasp the velvet covered cardboard cartilage and to have my nose tickled by downy fur while I tell him my secrets.
March: Experiencing the gaze of a horse is like feeling love, friendship, sincerity, strength and whimsy all rolled into one objet d'art.
April: A horse's mane is a window into his personality: loose, he becomes the athlete; braided he becomes the performer; shaved he becomes the obedient; and adorned with hay, he becomes the clown.
May: I admire the neck of every horse... the long sleek neck of a Thoroughbred, the compact power of a Morgan, the gigantic block of an Irish Hunter, and the perfect proportions of a Welsh Pony.
June: An instinct for a horse owner is to feel his chest. While this is a function of checking his temperature to determine if he is, for example, cool enough to go back to his stall or in need of water, I catch myself checking his chest for any reason because each of the lobes fit so well in my hand.
Short version: "Copping a feel"
July: I love saddle bloat. To know that my horse will suck in air while I am tacking up makes me smile because I look forward to the game of determining precisely the right moment to tighten the girth.
August: Could there be anything more fun than picking a horse's hooves? Gently gliding my hand down his leg and having him lightly place his hoof in my hand is a routine to cherish. By raising the next hoof without signal he anticipates the task and shows his loving cooperation. I happily sense his lips gumming my back as I bend over to clean his frog.
nb: the frog is the V-shaped structure inside a hoof.
September: If only I could get my arms around a horse's ample belly, how delicious this would be! This is the embrace I seek always.
October: I adore the sculpture of a horse's rear end and watching the sheen of his muscles as he moves. This observation applies equally to all the horse's movements, from the relaxed and lumbering walk, to an extended trot, to the rhythmic cantor (sic), to the jumping of a fence, and naturally the naughty buck.
Well we all enjoy a naughty buck now and then.
November: Every horse has the legs of a model. They are long, slender, and shapely, and the horse has the advantage of having four!
December: My passion after giving a sudsy bath to a horse is to spend hours untangling his tail with a wide-mouthed comb. He lifts his tail in pleasure the same way a dog wiggles his foot, and to see the shiny, smooth tail flow as he moves... utter ambrosia! A horse's soft blowy kiss on my neck sends a light tingle from hy head to my toes. I cannot get enough.
Guilty or not guilty?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-07-29 10:03 am (UTC)young lady, you should go and wash your mind out.
(mind you, I'm thinking that if I read the same bits day in day out, I'd be suspecting things of them as well)
no subject
Date: 2007-07-29 10:07 am (UTC)I know the right people :-)
no subject
Date: 2007-07-29 10:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-29 10:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-29 11:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-29 12:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 02:32 am (UTC)