stephbg | More than just a visit to the hairdresser (Reply)

Last Thursday I went to Identified Hair in Kensington to get some colour put through my hair. And when I say I "some" colour, I mean all the colours – I'm told the technical term is Unicorn Vomit. (None of the photos do it justice, but your chances of seeing me in person are slim.) Apologies for the length of this post. (Edited to correct spelling of Ree to Rhi - sorry Rhi!)

It was a long day. We had a small adventure and a detour on the way in, I spent 5 1/2 hours in the chair, and then it took 1 1/2 hours to get home through unanticipated peak hour traffic. I'm not friends with chairs so I was pretty creaky at the end of it (and creakier still in subsequent days). Frankly I was pretty creaky going in too, but at least the furniture was comfortable and the company more than excellent.

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I won't make you wait 'til the end. Here it is.

We were lucky twice on the way in. On the freeway near the start of our journey we saw a sign that warned of heavy traffic near Mill Point Road and advice to SEEK ALT ROUTE. Since that was exactly where we were headed (wonderful Husband was driving) we decided to detour via the tunnel. We didn't know the route from that direction, so I was looking at a road map on my phone when Husband cried out suddenly and braked. I looked up in time to see a ladder in the next lane and a ute pulling up in the emergency lane. Only a few cars ahead of us and at something near 100kph, the ladder had come off the back of the ute. It was a near shave for us, and hopefully it didn't cause later accidents. If I as the driver (and idiot) had been glancing at my phone at that moment I would have had my choice of disasters, the least of which would have involved running into the car in front, the worst actually hitting the ladder and careening who-knows-where across four lanes of fast-flowing traffic. Fortunately Husband was paying attention and saw the whole thing.

So that was fun.

I'm no fan of using the phone as a map, but we managed to find our way and arrived in plenty of time for my appointment. Several other people that day had been delayed and I heard some hair-raising tales of vehicular entrapment.

It's impossible to accurately estimate how long a hair appointment will take. I knew I was getting bleaching, colouring, and a cut (I didn't know that the cut included a blow dry). I told Husband that it would be something like 3 hours (2pm-ish), but kept emphasising that I didn't know. Fortunately he has an amazing ability to keep himself amused looking at shops, stretching out a coffee, listening to recordings, and having car naps. I sent him SMS's to try and give warning:

SMS1 (11:52am): "It's going to take longer than expected, maybe as late as 3:30pm."

SMS2 (2:37pm): "Sorry to keep you hanging about but it's looking more like 4pm now. I WUV U." (Guilty conscience showing here.)

SMS3 (4:30pm): "Soon!" (By now I was worried that he'd be late for rehearsal that evening. Turns out it was cancelled anyway.)

And now to The Hair. Identified Hair in Kensington is a really fun, friendly, and funky place. My colourist is the talented Rhi, and the owner and lady who did my cut is the amazing Jude. I started going there as a referral after Wildilocks closed down in Perth. It's not wildly convenient, but I only go about twice per year.

First, we bleach.

My hair is long, but it's very fine and there's not much of it, so I'd decided to get the whole lot bleached for maximum colour. My natural colour is a greyish mouse brown. The first round of bleach went on the top half which was all natural regrowth. Rhi applied complicated brushwork to avoid the 1-3 inches at the scalp in a semi-randomised pattern. I do this to minimise chemical contact with the scalp and roots, but more importantly it prevents a harsh straight regrowth line. This way I get a sort of lived-in feel from the start, with much less of a shock as it starts to grow.

For a while I went under the Spinny Heating Machine Of Doom, and then the rest of the hair got its dose of bleach and additional stewing, partly to strip out some of the old blue. That old blue was actually supposed to have been purple and green. Given the complex archaeological record of previous streaks and growth I was impressed at how evenly it ended up. Not completely evenly, because I wanted to retain a bit of variability in the base shade to encourage even more tones in the colours.

The Spinny Heating Machine Of Doom gave me a slightly saintly air. OK, you can stop laughing now.

During that second soak, Rhi brought out all the colour swatches for me to sort through. I asked how long I had to choose – it was half an hour and I used a goodly chunk of it. I was deeply absorbed in the exercise and apparently entertaining to watch – photos were taken. I chose seven: silver, a bright daffodil/mustard cross, coral red, cerise, violet, atlantic blue, and a nameless bright green. The plan for the silver was to act as a base for inevitable future colour bleeding so I'd end up with some lighter bits in various colours, but somewhere along the line it didn't happen. The yellow will still do that job, but it will obviously modify the colours still further as they blend. I've already got some interesting bonus light green bits where the yellow combined with the remains of the blue underneath. As time goes by I will have dozens of colours.

Choices, choices. (Everything here looks much darker and duller than in real life.)

The sinks at Identified Hair are, for a wonder, comfortable. Crucially they have foot rests to avoid the traditional my-spine-is-snapping-and-all-my-weight-is-on-the-base-of-my-skull-please-kill-me-now feeling, and they also have built-in gentle massage functions. They feel more like random buzzy attacks than a massage, but it's definitely distracting and at times mildly alarming. Having the bleach rinsed out was no pain, although combing the tangles out was a delicate job which I was happy to do myself.

Then Rhi started to put the colours in.

Colour Time

Although the end result looks random a great deal of thought and skill went into applying the colours I chose. In between fits of giggles from the both of us, Rhi applied different colours to the top and bottom halves of each section, which created a third transitional colour where they met. She then cleverly wrapped each section in foil, using folds to separate the colours so they could stew (mostly) independently. Certain colours were favoured for the top half versus the bottom half to control (somewhat) the inevitable cross-contamination. e.g. the yellow is mostly on top because that's going to be the first colour to pick up the others when I wash, and it's got a better chance of survival on the high side of gravity. The yellow on top is next to blue because I like green. Other choices were made based on the amount of bleaching in different areas, and the remains of the old blue. I've got a lovely new light green bit where Rhi deliberately put the yellow over some remnant blue. Voila! New colour.

With chunks of hair wrapped in foil I resembled a cyborg Upsy Daisy.

After more stewing time under the heater it was off to the sink for the big reveal. Because I'd had to sit for the whole time I was very wobbly when finally allowed to move. The rinsing was no simple process either. Simply removing all the foil and running the tap would have run all the colours together. Rhi had to carefully unwrap and rinse end sections separately from top sections, and generally try to keep all the bits separate for a while. I couldn't see anything at this point, but Rhi's delighted chortling was promising. She also does the most divine head massage so the conditioning phase was lovely. All of the products used at Identified Hair have really mild and pleasant scents. At home now I notice the smell of one of the fixatives which needs to stay in as long as possible, but it's manageable.

All day we'd been having fun; everyone was excited and happy, but nothing compared to the squee-ing (Rhi) and outright belly laughs (me) that sounded out as my hair was dried off and the results revealed. It was insane, delightful, ridiculous, joyful, absurd, wonderful. Every time I caught a glimpse of a new bit I would burst out into the most unconstrained laugher I've experienced in a long time.

Identified Hair's own official Before/During/After shots.

The tidy-up trim and light styling at the end were also fun and gave me a chance to catch my breath. The extra heat from the curling iron (something I usually avoid) also helped fix the colour. Thanks to Jude for the nice work on the cut, and excellent level of consultation.

"Can you give it some body? (Preferably not one you found lying in the alley.)"

At what cost?

Quite a bit.

Brace yourselves.

I wasn't expecting it either.

"Oh my," I said.

"I thought maybe around $300," I said.

What did it cost?

A smidgen under $500.

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Yup.

Now I don't know about you, but I've never spent $500 on my hair at once before. At first glance this may seem extravagant, and of course it is. Spending that kind of money on anything other than the necessities of life is always going to be extravagant. I spend thousands every year on prescription medication, and even more on minerals and supplements. But what I got for that money was far more than just a new 'do, and there are many ways to spend that kind of money and not get half of what I got.

So what did that $500 get me?

A free coke (the legal liquid kind).

5 1/2 hours of several professionals' time, attention, and expertise, stretched to their creative limits.

Mountains of product – rather a lot of bleach, 7 or more colours (there was at least one blend), a pile of foils, shampoos, conditioners, several different types of colour fixative, moisturiser, and possibly new spark plugs and windscreen wiper blades.

Random buzzy attack chair massages x 2

Divine scalp massage.

The better part of a day of serious fun. The fun and giggles at the start of the process escalated to squeeing and high-pitched laughter as the day more on. All the people in the salon were fun to be around. When It came for the final reveal when my dry locks were revealed piece by piece I just laughed and laughed some more. Hard to put a dollar value on that, but I suspect I laughed a hell of a lot more and had more to show for it than a day at a beauty spa. You could easily spend vastly more than that on a big night out at a once-a-year-event like a charity ball on a dress/shoes/bag you never wear again, a limo ride, event/dinner tickets, hotel overnight stay, walk of shame, etc and still not have much more than a photo and sore feet to show for it.

Ridiculous and insane rainbow hair, for a time.

Several months of weird and wonderful changes in my future.

A good quality trim and a blow dry to satisfy my curiosity.

Wait, what do you mean "for a time"?

Hair colouring is not permanent in any way shape or form. If nothing else, hair grows. Bright fashion colours like mine will change with every wash. I know from experience that my hair holds colour really well, but it's not necessarily going to be the colour I started with. Moreover, with every wetting, these colours will blend. The yellows will go first as they are slowly swamped by their neighbours. Everything will become less bright and intensely shiny over time. I'm in no danger of fading to colourless blonde, but changes are expected and at least partly planned for. No-one really knows, although it's likely the blues/greens/purples will eventually dominate. I'm cool with that. I'm happy to be pastels for a while if that's where it takes me, although I think it unlikely. I expect I'll get my next batch of colour in about six months or so, so it's hardly going to be an expensive maintenance process. Just what I'll do next time over the remains of this I don't know. It's a long term journey on an unknown road. I like that.

You want it done too?

Several people have said they want hair Just Like Mine. First, did you see the price tag? Remember that. Secondly I was able to do something so radical to my hair because I very rarely do even slightly radical things to my hair. In the normal course of life I don't blow dry, straighten, curl, crimp, spray, tease, treat, or really do anything more than wash it, comb it, let it dry naturally, and pop some moisturiser on the ends. I don't see much sun, or get much wind exposure. I don't swim in either the ocean or chlorinated pools (hydro is all below the chin). And of course all the products used for this and previous colourings in recent years are very gentle and actually conditioning. A good few years of such neglect (let's not talk about the decades of perming) has left my hair long, soft, and in sufficiently good condition to take the punishment I just gave it. I will keep those expensive colours for a reasonable length of time because I plan to continue my aggressive program of passive hair resistance.

And let's not forget the handy fact that I have a horrible and inconvenient illness that keeps me from gainful employment – I'm not about to be shackled by the constraints of corporate professionalism any time soon. I've never before been able to view this fact with such positivity. If you need to look respectable for work (or indeed life), I would not recommend this as a way to go.

But if you want to do it and circumstances permit, by all means go crazy. Tell them I sent you.