stephbg | Prometheus (Reply)

As I usually write these film reviews on Facebook these days, "SBG has now seen and liked Old Blockbuster She's Finally Catching Only A Year Or Two Late." Well tonight it's more like "SBG has now seen and... well, seen Prometheus."

tl;dr: "Ridiculous. Prometheus, I fart in your general direction."

The ranting got too long for Facebook so I moved it over here. Given space to run I ran. This won't be very coherent, but I think that's quite appropriate, don't you? (I'm assuming everyone else has already seen it.)

Let's just ignore the whole Alien connection straight away, get that out of the way. Because if I had to rate it on that basis I'd run out of expletives too quickly.

I was prepared for this to be bad. I was helpfully prepared for it to be an appalling excuse for a prequel so I didn't have my mind on that at all. And yet, it still managed to disappoint. Fortunately for me I treasured and nurtured my disappointment so I actually had a reasonably good time of enjoying the disaster that it was. Not that it was bad enough to be funny, but my idea of fun is a little skewed at the best of times. At times like this it helped.

As a generic SF film it looked like a very expensive, atrociously written, acted, and directed clusterfuck. I was frankly impressed.

What were they thinking?????

Stars move. DNA doesn't do the things you say it does. What kind of fuckwits take their helmets off? Boys and Girls are not so different that a state-of-the-art medical pod need be only programmed for boys. Argh.

Did they run out of money for the effects budget somewhere along the line? Because some of them were pitiful. (I'm looking at YOU, Baby SquidThing).

My favourite character was Miss Vickers (Charlize Theron) and I'm pretty sure she wasn't supposed to be. The heroine didn't leave me cold so much as itching to erase her from history.

How much fucking space was on that fucking spaceship? Geez.

What about those wild leaps of logic in the script, eh? EH? Beyond truck sized. Where did all this mysterious knowledge come from? Why was Dr Shaw suddenly that panicked about her pregnancy? How did the captain know it was a military installation and all that other shit? And other shit as well, I lost track.

Ridiculous. Prometheus, I fart in your general direction.