Beige hamburger
Mar. 16th, 2011 07:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stephbgI've been taunted by TV ads for hamburgers of late. We habitually mute the sound on ads, but there's nowhere to hide from pictures of yummy food held up with sticks and sprayed with glycerine. Mmmm. Styled. Unfortunately, just about everything about a proper hamburger is extremely non-beige, so I set about considering a suitable replacement.
Bread roll = no problem, anything from Baker's Delight. I did specifically ask for something that wasn't crumbly, but perhaps at the end of the day things were a bit stale around the edges. Still, it made for a genuine it's-escaping-out-the-back collapsing food experience.
THE FLESH OF A DEAD ANIMAL = Chicken mince. When I thought to myself that chicken fillet would do just as well I realised that the texture of mince was part of the craving. In theory I would have blended togather the chicken mince, an egg, some rice flour, salt and maybe some fried shallots and garlic. In practice I just grabbed a handful of mince (with clean hands), slapped it about in some salted rice flour (one must have standards), and mashed it into a frypan with some butter. Did the trick.
Salad = Of all the salad items that can go into a hamburger, I have access only to iceberg lettuce, and so lettuce it was.
Bacon = Funny.
Dressings/pickles/relish/condiments = Nope
Processed substance resembling cheese = Oddly enough, Philadelphia Cream Cheese is permissable under beige (although only some varieties - others have preservatives and you have to check the ingredients list). Provided enough salt and fat to compensate (insofar it is possible) for lack of bacon or dressings.
Egg = I don't really believe in eggs on hamburgers, but I could have one if I wanted.
It must have worked because I attacked the completed chookburger whilst still at the kitchen bench, and consumed it with such unladylike haste that I immediately grew three testicles. I'd classify that as a culinary win, and like the beige pizza, just knowing I can make a beige hamburger will hopefully take the edge off any future temptations in that direction.
Bread roll = no problem, anything from Baker's Delight. I did specifically ask for something that wasn't crumbly, but perhaps at the end of the day things were a bit stale around the edges. Still, it made for a genuine it's-escaping-out-the-back collapsing food experience.
THE FLESH OF A DEAD ANIMAL = Chicken mince. When I thought to myself that chicken fillet would do just as well I realised that the texture of mince was part of the craving. In theory I would have blended togather the chicken mince, an egg, some rice flour, salt and maybe some fried shallots and garlic. In practice I just grabbed a handful of mince (with clean hands), slapped it about in some salted rice flour (one must have standards), and mashed it into a frypan with some butter. Did the trick.
Salad = Of all the salad items that can go into a hamburger, I have access only to iceberg lettuce, and so lettuce it was.
Bacon = Funny.
Dressings/pickles/relish/condiments = Nope
Processed substance resembling cheese = Oddly enough, Philadelphia Cream Cheese is permissable under beige (although only some varieties - others have preservatives and you have to check the ingredients list). Provided enough salt and fat to compensate (insofar it is possible) for lack of bacon or dressings.
Egg = I don't really believe in eggs on hamburgers, but I could have one if I wanted.
It must have worked because I attacked the completed chookburger whilst still at the kitchen bench, and consumed it with such unladylike haste that I immediately grew three testicles. I'd classify that as a culinary win, and like the beige pizza, just knowing I can make a beige hamburger will hopefully take the edge off any future temptations in that direction.
