A new strategy for pain management
Jun. 21st, 2010 12:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stephbgThis is for record-keeping purposes because there's no way I'm going to remember this otherwise. I also think it's interesting in a traffic accident kind of way, and wish I could do a better job of sentence construction right now. This is a bit rambly, and possibly a bit triggery for assault victims.
Over the weekend I experienced the pointy end of fibro where every sensation--right down to the feel of clothing--was interpreted as pain. General kinaesthetic feedback just came in the form of pain. If I wanted to move a limb, I'd consult the limb on it's current position prior to delivering movement requests, but the initial report would come back as pain. If I stayed absolutely motionless then there'd be fewer signals, but breathing is hard to stop at will. Gave it a go though.
So, bad pain from all over, not just the usual main fibro spots. Stupid nervous system general compiler error completely f*#@&d up pain.
I tried to tell myself it wasn't real. I do that a lot, and in a limited sense I can edit what information comes into the CNS. OK, I can't actually move or think or do anything else at the same time, but I can block the odd signal here and there with what might be called meditative techniques. This doesn't work for the big stuff, but at some unknown point I tried something different: I started to imagine what would physically be necessary to hurt as much as it did. A thought experiement extending the way you try to identify if the pain is stinging/burning/crushing etc.
To match what I was feeling I imagined myself being crushed by rocks, but most helpfully being beaten thoroughly by large angry men with big sticks. The large angry men probably weren't necessary, but it seemed to go with the being thoroughly beaten with big sticks part. That said, there was no emotional context to this imagined assault; no fear, anger or upset. More like running the gauntlet for a martial arts trial. Whatever. Generally being beaten to death with big sticks and crushed by rocks. Damage-doing stuff. (There's only so many ways I can imagine bumping into furniture - it wouldn't fit the data.)
It's not the first time I've had these thoughts, but before I've always blocked them ascrazy talk counterproductive omg-this-feels-like-someone's-hitting-my-ankle-with-a-hammer-no-that-never-happened-it's-all-in-your-head-look-you're-fine-get-over-it thoughts. This time I let myself go with the crazy. I often imagine myself doing physical activity (ah, how I can dance in my mind!) and get physical benefits, so it's not a huge therapeutic stretch to imagine the bad things too. Did a bit of work in that area when I was a psych student.
I imagined myself getting beaten up as described above, and by golly I felt a little better. Not spring-out-of-bed-ready-to-film-a-tampon-ad better, but perhaps a little emotionally improved. Less desire to cry and swear at the blithering stupidity and pointlessness of my condition. Lying/writhing in bed was no longer quite such a waste of time. Anyone would be a tortured mess if they were being beaten like that. Awesome. I wasn't bad. I wasn't weak. It was all OK. I still hurt, but it wasn't my fault.
I've just realised that this is much the same end result as when I talk myself down (or indeed up) from feeling guilty or depressed about the chronic fatigue: I'm not lazy. It is real. It's not my fault.
It's about now that I start to make notes to myself that I must remember to discuss this with my shrink next visit, which isn't for months yet as long as I manage to cling to a thin veneer of civilisation in the meantime. This is why I'm writing this down.
In the practical sense I think the "fantasy" of actual commensurate physical damage helped to release some endorphins and take everything down a notch. I think it served as a kind of general stress relief because for a few moments (minutes? hours?) I stopped denying my feelings. I always try to keep emotional content out of these attacks, but when that barrier falls it falls bad. But now I had a perfectly good reason to feel as bad as I did. So not a cure by any means, but another tool in the cope box. It seems horribly Wrong, but if it works, go me.
Poor Husband gets to watch all this and ask if it's time to call an ambulance :-(
As an aside, the last time I recovered from one of these really really bad pain sessions I crashed into one of the worst depressions it's ever been my absence-of-joy to experience. My shrink agreed with my theory that I experienced a (natural) opiate withdrawal, so this time as the pain receeds I'm going to try to avoid that part of the cycle. Music, sunshine, horses, caffeine, food, company, cleaning, work if I can do it. I do have some badly-scheduled hormones in the next few days so that will muddy the data a bit. We shall see. No rollercoasters for me.
I may need some help.
Over the weekend I experienced the pointy end of fibro where every sensation--right down to the feel of clothing--was interpreted as pain. General kinaesthetic feedback just came in the form of pain. If I wanted to move a limb, I'd consult the limb on it's current position prior to delivering movement requests, but the initial report would come back as pain. If I stayed absolutely motionless then there'd be fewer signals, but breathing is hard to stop at will. Gave it a go though.
So, bad pain from all over, not just the usual main fibro spots. Stupid nervous system general compiler error completely f*#@&d up pain.
I tried to tell myself it wasn't real. I do that a lot, and in a limited sense I can edit what information comes into the CNS. OK, I can't actually move or think or do anything else at the same time, but I can block the odd signal here and there with what might be called meditative techniques. This doesn't work for the big stuff, but at some unknown point I tried something different: I started to imagine what would physically be necessary to hurt as much as it did. A thought experiement extending the way you try to identify if the pain is stinging/burning/crushing etc.
To match what I was feeling I imagined myself being crushed by rocks, but most helpfully being beaten thoroughly by large angry men with big sticks. The large angry men probably weren't necessary, but it seemed to go with the being thoroughly beaten with big sticks part. That said, there was no emotional context to this imagined assault; no fear, anger or upset. More like running the gauntlet for a martial arts trial. Whatever. Generally being beaten to death with big sticks and crushed by rocks. Damage-doing stuff. (There's only so many ways I can imagine bumping into furniture - it wouldn't fit the data.)
It's not the first time I've had these thoughts, but before I've always blocked them as
I imagined myself getting beaten up as described above, and by golly I felt a little better. Not spring-out-of-bed-ready-to-film-a-tampon-ad better, but perhaps a little emotionally improved. Less desire to cry and swear at the blithering stupidity and pointlessness of my condition. Lying/writhing in bed was no longer quite such a waste of time. Anyone would be a tortured mess if they were being beaten like that. Awesome. I wasn't bad. I wasn't weak. It was all OK. I still hurt, but it wasn't my fault.
I've just realised that this is much the same end result as when I talk myself down (or indeed up) from feeling guilty or depressed about the chronic fatigue: I'm not lazy. It is real. It's not my fault.
It's about now that I start to make notes to myself that I must remember to discuss this with my shrink next visit, which isn't for months yet as long as I manage to cling to a thin veneer of civilisation in the meantime. This is why I'm writing this down.
In the practical sense I think the "fantasy" of actual commensurate physical damage helped to release some endorphins and take everything down a notch. I think it served as a kind of general stress relief because for a few moments (minutes? hours?) I stopped denying my feelings. I always try to keep emotional content out of these attacks, but when that barrier falls it falls bad. But now I had a perfectly good reason to feel as bad as I did. So not a cure by any means, but another tool in the cope box. It seems horribly Wrong, but if it works, go me.
Poor Husband gets to watch all this and ask if it's time to call an ambulance :-(
As an aside, the last time I recovered from one of these really really bad pain sessions I crashed into one of the worst depressions it's ever been my absence-of-joy to experience. My shrink agreed with my theory that I experienced a (natural) opiate withdrawal, so this time as the pain receeds I'm going to try to avoid that part of the cycle. Music, sunshine, horses, caffeine, food, company, cleaning, work if I can do it. I do have some badly-scheduled hormones in the next few days so that will muddy the data a bit. We shall see. No rollercoasters for me.
I may need some help.
