Making the universe an offer it can't refuse

Dear Universe,
You've been shovelling some particularly unpleasant major life-and-death shit in the direction of some friends of mine, and I must say it's making me more than a little cross. I know from experience that asking you to leave off with the big bad things is a waste of time, and not much can deter you from your little games. However, I have a proposal: whatever you had planned for my friend, lay off her and kick it to me. Double it if you like, but leave her the hell alone.

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