Big scary Femmeconne

[stephbg]

I've been asked to explain what exactly it is about femmeconne that I have found and indeed continue to find confrontational. I'm not certain right now that I can actually do that, but I'll explore some thoughts.


Thought: Externals/Physicality

e.g. talking about shaving/not shaving armpits, wearing makeup, and other similarly personal choices. I am quite comfortable with my own choices and actively curious about why others make theirs. No pressure whatsoever, no embarrassment. Similarly comfortable discussing the physical joys of womanhood. No problems there.

Thought: Communal living
Part of the femmeconne experience is the chance to come together to live as a functioning community of women, with shared responsibilities to feed, entertain, educate and support each other. At this point I start to feel a little claustrophobic. I've not lived in a shared household, and the concepts I've grown up with and have adopted are that you are responsible for your own self, space, and comfort. Group domestic activity is foreign to me, even a busy bee to clean up someone's garden. The last time I did this was at my Grandmother's house where parent and 5 siblings were all squashed in together sorting out the funeral and house. Older examples all come from childhood holiday camps, which were deeply feral Lord of The Flies arrangements. I was seven and alone at my first one. Afraid (with reason) of the older kids, cold, wet, hungry, and lost in the crowd. Not character building at all.

I digress.

Thought: warmth and love and support
This is an important one and I wish I'd started it earlier before my painkillers kicked in. I think I'm resisting the idea that I need support. Although right now I can certainly use my friends around me, in happier times I've not quite resented the abundance of love and comfort and support offered by femmeconne, but have protested that I didn't need it, so why were you giving it to me? Did you think I was weaker than I was?

Thought: practicalities
I know nothing about nor have particular interest in fanwriting, -podding or -vidding. Art maybe, if it stands up by itself (which argument should support the other media, but doesn't).

I know nothing about feminism or the academic language of feminism. I am deeply allergic to academic voices and experiences.

I did wonder recently about my complete comfort with rooms of senior males (a la the Computer Society). I find men simple creatures, with a limited number of social responses. Women have much more social ammunition up their sleeves, and so can surprise you far more easily.

I can't be trusted to help with children

I can't lift heavy objects.

I don't know how to make scones.

I can't understand a word spoken in the echoey hall.

What I would like to do is sit (or preferably sprawl) in one or two sets of arms and listen to the words going on around me, do some stroking, receive some stroking, but mainly feel that I can do this without having to understand all the noise and come up with a witty remark. I want to be a cat.

Comments

[transcendancing.livejournal.com]

I support a Steph-cat :)
*cuddle*

Your vision is beautiful.

This bit:
why were you giving it to me? Did you think I was weaker than I was?

The sharing of support and love is not an expression of weakness, it is not in response to perceived weakness, it is simply a sharing of time and energy - an interest in you as a person and the life you lead with it's richness and difference - colour this in as many colours as people who attend, this answer is true for all of them.

Also - the space is meant to be flexible - echo-y halls are hard to deal with, but you don't need to help with kids, or lift heavy objects or know how to make scones (though if you're interested I have time and a newly fixed oven). You are you - your contribution is just as valuable as anyone elses. Several others experience constraints in similar and different ways - and they're all valuable. They all teach us about those around us - to consider the obvious - that we're not all the same. We all react differently, want differently.

I still find academia in general boggling. But I am enjoying studying so far - so I only hope that I don't become one of the voices you're allergic too :) *love* I say this, and yet am not actually worried at all :)

I guess in short, what I see here, what I read is: You. This is not scary - your reaction isn't scary, no matter what we did as a group of women sitting and talking and discussing and being - as a group of women only, it's likely there would be an element of confrontation to it, whether it's not being used to shared living experiences, or being around children, or communal meals or academic discussion, or fan associated stuff - pick and choose, it's all confetti. I also don't think that if you asked the rest of us, that we wouldn't also say 'we find it confronting too'. You can ask me if you like :) If it will help :)

*big hugs*

This is long, babbly and I'm sorry if I've completely misunderstood you - if I have, please add salt as needed and know I'm sending love.

[mikey-ob.livejournal.com]

"I find men simple creatures, with a limited number of social responses. Women have much more social ammunition up their sleeves, and so can surprise you far more easily."

That statement triggers feelings of annoyance and anger in me. My anger connects to a sadness that people still operate with adolescent constructs about masculinity. In my experience masculinity has a deep sacred nature that is misunderstood in modern academic thought. I have an intuitive feeling that there could be elements of the animus, the masculine shadow in the feminine, that are remain unresolved in the psyche. These elements of the unconscious remain at adolescent developmental stages, and seek transformation to growth, but as they are shadow, they manifest as negative expression, and their external nature is reinforced by the shadow of others who remain in conflict - male and female. This state does not seem to allow the permission to explore the alchemy of transformation into more developed psychic understandings of the self, or self-actualisation, that is freed from the emotional ties and conflicts of earlier developmental stages.

[writerjo.livejournal.com]

Dear Steph

I've wondered if the school of the air camps were basically femmeconne and you've confirmed it for me. Some extraordinary things happen in conversation there - which is why we are all prepared to put up with the occasional education crap from the school in terms of pressure. That closeness across very different people is a spiritual thing. We have men too though - Dads come in and out and we have the occasional Dad who is a Mum as well. The young unsprogged teachers. And the focus is not really on us but on the children.

I do lots of massage at those too!

Still, you've filled me with a yearning to share that kind of time with you all! I'm in town October 11-14, which might even be the weekend, but I want to help out a little sister at that time. Maybe one year.

Jo

blargle

[alias_sqbr]

My brain isn't up to a coherent response to this, but thankyou for posting. Sound a bit like my group of female friends at highschool (having spent time in woman dominated spaces, and male dominated spaces, I find I tend to be happier in mixed company. But mostly I'm happiest in geek dominated spaces :) )

[huckle.livejournal.com]

I have lots of responses to what you have said (basically we are on the same page here), hopefully we could catch up in person at some stage.
I find men socially straightforward, too - I would find a weekend away with men psychologically more comfortable than with women. I think Mikey was right when he said that it is to do with male and female shadows.
The issue that affects me the most in groups of women is: men are allowed to express in an open and direct way competitiveness, desire for power and social dominance. With women it gets pushed into the shadow mind and you get all sorts of oblique power games and, as you said, unexpected social suprises. Femmeconn is no exception. I find femmecon mostly wonderful because I get to catch up with lovely friends and maybe make new friends, but I don't find it an unusually supportive place.

[azhure.livejournal.com]

*nods a lot*

I love the idea of femmeconne, and I've been tempted to go for the last few years. You listed a lot of the reasons that hold me back from going.

[bardiegrub.livejournal.com]

I find the communal living difficult too, and I am used to group households. However, I'm used to a small, hand-picked group of people I know well.

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

I may be wrong about this, but as someone who's never gone, I perceive it as space where playing the victim / endlessly agonising about how women are treated is encouraged, and I don't think that's helpful or useful.